| Kalm |
 | | AERIS: | Wow, Kalm is-- wait. That would be an exceedingly obvious pun. Must... resist... |
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 | | RED XIII: | It sure is... tranquil around here, isn't it? |
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 | | TIFA: | I've never been in a place more... serene. |
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 | | BARRETT: | For once, I refuse to state the obvious. Mr. Cloud, won't you tell us a story? |
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 | | CLOUD: | Well, all right. Settle down and I'll tell you a story about a boy, an exceedingly handsome warrior, and a very large sword. |
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| | CLOUD: | Right, some freak in a cowboy hat was there, too. Well, anyway... |
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| | BARRETT: | Give Sephiroth a funny voice! Give Sephiroth a funny voice! |
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 | | RANDOM FLASH OF LIGHT: | I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be here, but there's no swirly effect like one would find on television, so I suppose I function as a flashback warning, too. By the way, Cloud, you are full of crap. Just a little something to keep in mind. |
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 | | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Wow, it sure is raining. Hello, random Shinra soldier. Why are you moaning like that? |
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 | | SOLDIER: | Oh, you know. Reasons. |
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 | | SEPHIROTH: | Isn't that nice, folks? It sure is. Cloud, try to focus on me and my shocking sense of self-importance. My ego needs feeding. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Don't worry, Sephiroth. No matter what my hormones say at the time, I may or may not have been chemically manufactured in a lab to serve you. I certainly have no spine of my own. You will always be my guiding star, my inspiration, my... |
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| | SOLDIER: | Don't make me throw up again. I'm this close. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Incidentally, ooh! Shiny. |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | I have more shiny orbs than you. Kneel to thy master. Anyway, today we'll be visiting the Nibelheim reactor. There I will find my mother. Then I'll burn down your hometown. Oh, I may or may not sex you up before that last one happens. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Only if I'm allowed to be confused the entire time. |
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| | SOLDIER: | But first, let's stop the truck and demonstrate Sephiroth's godlike abilities! |
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| | AERIS: | I hate to impede on your flashback just loaded with Freudian significance, but from your description, you weren't strictly necessary to this fight, were you? |
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| | CLOUD: | Well, not really, no. But I was mesmerized by the way Sephiroth fought. |
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| | TIFA: | Listen, I know you're the hero and all, and therefore heterosexual, but that is so incredibly gay. I think I may have to start chasing after Red XIII instead. |
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| | CLOUD: | Can we get back to my egocentric monologue? Now where was I? |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | Well, how do you feel about being in this little hole-in-the-wall town you grew up in? I'll bet it brings back all sorts of unpleasant memories. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Was your childhood as unpleasant as mine? |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | I'll bet you didn't come from a test tube |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | That's what you think! |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | My mother is a personification of all that is wrong with the modern world. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | My mother pressures me into dating girls. |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | Okay, you win. Be sure to go to bed early. You'll need plenty of rest for what I plan to do to you in the next twenty-four hours. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Oh, behave. |
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 | | INN MUSIC: | I am the only reliable way of measuring time. Deal with it. |
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 | | TEENAGE TIFA: | Well, yippy-kay-o-kay-a! Howdy, ya'll! My name is Tifa, and I'll be your tour guide. Please keep feet, hands, and other appendages in the vehicle at all times. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Curses. Foiled again. |
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 | | CAMERA MAN: | I may be important to the plot later. You'd better pay attention. Oh, who am I kidding? If it isn't an FMV it isn't worth watching. Look at the photograph I take. |
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| | TEENAGE TIFA: | We should be okay, as long as my cowboy hat doesn't attract plot contrivances from Indiana Jones. |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | Your hat made the bridge collapse. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Where do the shiny orbs come from? |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | Well you see, Cloud, when a mommy materia loves a daddy materia very much-- oh, who am I kidding. I'll just spout off some quasi-scientific nonsense and leave it at that. |
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| | TEENAGE TIFA: | Good enough for me. Incidentally, let me in the reactor. I want to know of its twisted machinations. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | You're not allowed. Boys only. |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | Here's Jenova. She was causing a disturbance. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | My poor choice of words take your fragile ego, rip it out of your chest, spit on it, and then jump up and down on it. If I had more tact you'd still be sane. |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | It's funny how the smallest things can make a major difference, isn't it? |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Isn't it ironic? |
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| | TEENAGE TIFA: | Don't you think? |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | Look at me make incredible jumps of logic! A book says that mommy came from far away, so it must be true. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Hello, how does being insane and uninhibitied feel? |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | Somewhat good, but I'm chilly. I think I'll torch the village to stay warm. Now it's off to rescue mommy. My life is wacky and fun. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | This village sure is destroyed. Well gee whiz, everyone I know is dead. |
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| | TEENAGE TIFA: | Not everyone. |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | We'll see about that. |
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| | TEENAGE CLOUD: | Sephiroth, I hate you. |
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| | SEPHIROTH: | Wow, this is the first time I've literally impaled you on my sword. |
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| | CLOUD: | Uh, that's all, folks. |
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| | RED XIII: | Not to be a critic or anything, but I could drive an airship through the holes in this story. Why are you still alive? |
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| | TIFA: | Why am I still alive? |
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| | CLOUD: | I don't know. Isn't it myserious? Aren't you choking on the mystery of it all? |
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| | BARRETT: | I want the last twelve hours of my life back. |
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| | AERIS: | Have I mentioned that selling flowers doesn't pay the rent? I also sell mobile phones! Here Cloud, have one on the house. |
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| | CLOUD: | Does it have roaming charges? |
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| | AERIS: | Like you wouldn't believe. Any leisure calls will come straight out of your pocket. |
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| | CLOUD: | Watching chocobos dance is fun. Ooh, shiny. |
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| | CHOCOBO BILLY: | I'm here to cheat you out of all of your money. Who wants more shiny objects? |
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| | CLOUD: | Me, me! Come on, Mr. Chocobo, steer us past yet another example of bizarre Freudian imagery. |
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| | TIFA: | If the snakes mean what I think they mean, then what does a dead, limp one impaled by a sword represent? |
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| | RED XIII: | Freud says . . . consult the section on E.D. |
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| | CLOUD: | We have more important things to worry about. Let's go into an abandoned mine. |
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 | | RUDE: | Good to see you again, Cloud and company. |
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| | RUDE: | Am not. My hairline's just receding a bit! |
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| | AERIS: | Yeah, receding beyond the horizon. |
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| | RUDE: | Listen, don't tempt me to killing you, you're still important to the plot. |
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 | | ELENA: | My inadvertantly revealing all to you is actually a stunning ruse to cover my own intelligence. |
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| | ELENA: | He sees right through my web of deceit. I think I'm in love. |
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| | CLOUD: | Well, it's been fun, but I think I'd like to advance the plot beyond your cryptic hints. |
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 | | YUFFIE: | I can help you do that. |
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| | YUFFIE: | No. But I can make you answer an exacting series of questions and impose stringent penalties if you get them wrong. |
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| | TIFA: | Well, that was fun. Wow, Junon harbor sure is a run-down shanty town. |
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 | | PRICILLA: | Hey, this is my crappy Hooverville. Only the residents are allowed to insult it. Besides, a dolphin plays in these highly polluted waters! It can't be all bad. |
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 | | BOTTOMSWELL: | My presence suggests otherwise. |
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| | BARRETT: | Cloud, she's going to die unless you give her CPR! |
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| | CLOUD: | It's okay, I'm the hero. I'm qualified to do anything. I watched a Baywatch marathon once. |
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| | YUFFIE: | That little girl is so very very screwed. |
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| | PRICILLA: | It's a good thing it's not possible for me to die. |
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| | RED XIII: | Ever get the feeling that some of the enemies we face are incredibly lame plot contrivances? |
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| | TOWN PERSON: | You saved Priscilla, whose dolphin is the sole source of our income. You may stay in my house for free. But keep your hands off the silver. |
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| | YUFFIE: | Man, he's got my number alright. I guess I'm not allowed to steal any jewelry either. I never get to have any fun. |
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| | RED XIII: | This bed better not have any fleas in it. |
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 | | CLOUD'S SUBCONCIOUS: | Hey, buddy boy. Don't you think it's weird that Tifa recognized the inconsistencies in your story but didn't comment on them? |
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| | CLOUD: | Now that you mention it, it is kind of weird. |
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| | CLOUD'S SUBCONCIOUS: | Maybe you should ask her about it when you wake up. |
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| | CLOUD: | Hey, Tifa. Why didn't you expose me for the fraud I am when I was telling my story? |
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| | TIFA: | Er . . . hey! Look over there! |
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| | CLOUD: | Where? The elevator? My eyes are curiously drawn to it. Too bad I'm not allowed to use it right now. |
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| | PRICILLA: | Here. You may now ride the dolphin. |
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| |
 | | SERGEANT: | Get into uniform. I need another private under me. |
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 | | CLOUD: | Mmm . . . uniforms. |
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| | SERGEANT: | Let's undergo tedious drills! |
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| | CLOUD: | I'm competent now. Do I get to go on National television? |
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| | SERGEANT: | Well, I suppose. |
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| | BROADCASTOR: | That one soldier is what made or broke our ratings. Hooray for absurd logic. Here, have a present. |
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| | CLOUD: | Hooray for random gifts in the mail. |
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 | | RUFUS: | Heidigger, I'm bored. Make them dance. |
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 | | HEODIGGER: | You heard the President. Dance, you idiots, dance! |
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| | RUFUS: | This sucks. I want to go home. |
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| | SERGEANT: | No break for you. |
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| | CLOUD: | I get a break or I tell the union. |
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| | SERGEANT: | Damn. Fine, break. But you come right back, ya hear? I want you to man an incredibly important boat. |
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| | CLOUD: | Well, okay. But I'll have you know that I expect overtime pay for this. Maybe even holiday pay. |
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| | SERGEANT: | Don't make me hurt you. |
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