| The Golden Saucer |
 | | AERIS: | The time is now. Let's boogie down. |
|
 | | TIFA: | Careful, Aeris. Barrett's in a bad mood. You don't want to be on the
wrong side of his punctuation attack. |
|
| | AERIS: | I'll be fine. Hey, Barrett. Come play with me! |
|
 | | BARRETT: | #$%^*$&$#%!!!!!!!!!!oneelevenIcan'tcount |
|
| |
 | | YUFFIE: | Be that way, you big meanie. I like this place. Full of gullible
idiots with fat wallets. |
|
 | |
| | YUFFIE: | Don't worry, I'll protect you. |
|
| | TIFA: | So Cloud, do you want to ride the roller coaster? |
|
 | | CLOUD: | No, I'd rather meet up with muscular scantily clad men. |
|
 | | DIO: | That would be my cue. |
|
| | CLOUD: | The Golden Saucer is everything I had hoped for! |
|
| | TIFA: | Can you gay it up with a little less enthusiasm, please? This is a
family theme park. Sex is a definite no-no. |
|
 | | CAIT SITH: | I hope violence is okay, though. Otherwise you folks are in for
some trouble. |
|
| | CLOUD: | How do you know that? |
|
| | CAIT SITH: | I'm a fortuneteller. Isn't it spoooky and mysteeerious? |
|
| |
| | CLOUD: | Can you tell me where Sephiroth is? And whether or not he's with
some busty blonde? |
|
| | CAIT SITH: | Hmm... "404: File Not Found" |
|
| | CLOUD: | Could you try again? |
|
| | CAIT SITH: | "Ask again later." |
|
| | CLOUD: | Oh, alright. See ya. |
|
| | CAIT SITH: | But it's later now! |
|
| | CLOUD: | Fine, one more time. |
|
| | CAIT SITH: | "Do not trust the messenger. In fact, shoot him, for he is a
spy. One of you will soon die a stabbity death. If you give a Guidebook
to the Kalm Traveler, he will give you an Underwater materia. I am under
alien control. Soylent green is made of people. PEOPLE!" |
|
| | CLOUD: | Wow, I have no idea what you're talking about. |
|
| | CAIT SITH: | Well, I want to see if all that is going to come true. So I'll
be coming with you now, whether you like it or not. |
|
| | CLOUD: | But I don't want you along. |
|
| | CAIT SITH: | Too bad. We should be going to the battle square now. |
|
| | TIFA: | Holy crap, the carnage. Bullets in this, the most magical place on
earth? |
|
| | DIO: | Guards, detain them while I pose dramatically. |
|
 | | GUARD: | I'm sorry, but we'll be dropping you a long way into the desert
now. Judges will be watching as you fall. Try and perform a reverse pike
double back-flip, why don't you? Plenty of time until you reach the
bottom. |
|
| | CLOUD: | Where are we, anyway? |
|
| | TIFA: | Underneath the family fun paradise is the world's toughest maximum
security prison. |
|
| | AERIS: | I think that might be symbolism or something. |
|
| | CLOUD: | Anyway, I can't believe they'd dump us down here without adequate
protection. I need Suntan lotion, or I will burn. I have very sensitive
skin. |
|
| | AERIS: | As much as I'd like to call you a wussy, not having been in the sun
very much has given me a rather pallid complexion as well. Yet another
side effect of coming from Midgar. Oh, hey Barrett. |
|
| | BARRETT: | Leave me alone, or suffer my heavily punctuated wrath. |
|
| | TIFA: | Whatever. See you in the inexplicable house. |
|
| | BARRETT: | I don't like people entering my house. |
|
| | CAIT SITH: | This isn't your house. You've been here for an hour. |
|
| | BARRETT: | I've changed my mind. I'm going to attack you with a flashback
instead. |
|
| |
 | | BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT: | Boy up and hit the corner, momma needs new shoes. |
|
 | | OLD MAN: | The village is being attacked and Timmy saw something shiny and
fell down the well! |
|
 | | DYNE: | Well then, Barrett, shall we? |
|
 | |
| | DYNE: | Let's get dangerous! |
|
| | BARRETT: | Gotta catch em all. |
|
| |
 | | SCARLET: | Watch out, kids. These imaginary bullets put holes in people. Or
they would, if you could hit anything worth a damn. |
|
| | SHINRA SOLDIER: | I fire and I fire, but the bullets still magically miss. |
|
| | SCARLET: | You idiots, cover me. As the only member of this little group
with a real part in the plot, I will therefore be crucial in engineering
the coming tragedy. |
|
| | BARRETT: | Never let go, Dyne, never let go. |
|
| | DYNE: | Listen, I can't hold on when my arm gets blown off. |
|
| | BARRETT: | I guess I have no choice but to get a gun attached to
where my arm used to be. It'll make me so much better during business
negotiations. Don't know why I didn't think of it before. Oh right, I had
an arm before. The pain. |
|
| | YUFFIE: | So that's why you thought the gun would be a good idea. Blood loss. |
|
| | RED XIII: | It all makes sense now. |
|
| | BARRETT: | Shut up! The gun is cool, okay? Anyway, Dyne's still alive. And
I've gotta go say I'm sorry for ruining his life by voting for a Mako
reactor for Corel. |
|
 | | READER: | You know, that might be the first serious thing said in this parody. |
|
| | BARRETT: | And that cheap-ass owes me forty-five gil. |
|
| | TIFA: | That's almost half a potion. |
|
| | BARRETT: | Back then it was a potion and a half. |
|
| |
| | BARRETT: | Anyway, I have to go find him in the middle of the desert. |
|
| | YUFFIE: | I'll tag along. He might have other possessions that need liberating. |
|
| | CLOUD: | I'd like to stay here, but I guess if you guys are so intent on
going, I'll go too. I wish I had sunblock; my creamy complexion is
really going to take a hit on this one. |
|
 | | DYNE: | I hate everything. As an added bonus, I'm crazy. I challenge you to
a duel. |
|
| | BARRETT: | I don't want to fight, Dyne. I just want to say "sorry" and
demand my money. |
|
| | DYNE: | You killed my father. Prepare to die. |
|
| | BARRETT: | I win. That'll be 150 gil. You know, factoring in inflation. |
|
| | DYNE: | I think I'd rather give you my necklace and jump off this here
cliff. Unlike the first one, this cliff will be my last. |
|
| | CLOUD: | Listen, man, if you don't let me out of here, I will get severely
sunburned. And that is totally cruel and unusual. |
|
| | TIFA: | Can you say lawsuit? |
|
 | | MR. COATES: | I'll let you out if you can beat the best Chocobo Racers in
all the land. And not a second before. |
|
| | CLOUD: | You win this time, Golden Saucer. |
|
 | | ESTER: | And I'll be his manager. Because I can handle the jockeys that
look distinctive, if you know what I mean. |
|
| |
| | ESTER: | Quiet, you're coming with me. |
|
 | | JOE: | Hey, who's the new guy? |
|
| | ESTER: | He's an incredibly talented distinctive looking jockey. Much like you. |
|
| | JOE: | Hmm, intriguing. I'd stare at him longer, but I have to go race. Nice
to meet you, Cloud. |
|
| | CLOUD: | I'm finally in to the Jockey break room, just as I always planned.
Ooh, shiny. |
|
| | ESTER: | Dio told me to give you this as a token of affection. |
|
 | | DIO'S LETTER: | If you're reading this, you've won not only your freedom,
but a brand new car. |
|
| |